Mmmmm Subspace

I noticed while reading reviews that I should continue with a series of posts I’d begun some time ago. I began with my thoughts on the use of safe-words and my choice of vocabulary—submissive vs. slave etc. 

The intention was to write about consent, and consensual non-consent. Then, life and writing the series Not Even Death sort of got in the way of my best laid plans (okay, maybe the path wasn’t paved completely!) Since reading the reviews I’m doubling back to my course and thought it could be beneficial to address some things.

My work—most likely all of it—will involve a Master/slave relationship dynamic. There may be apprehension in some of the characters at different points. They may begin submissive and ultimately freely choose to become slaves (and dominants, at the end of the day, will become Masters)—all  under the leathery warmth of the M/s umbrella.

* Note: The strength to opt to submit to someone completely is not for the weak. The women I write are strong to start but find a quiet, gentle strength in submission. They also find peace and freedom by letting go. Dominants don't always embrace their role either, and trusting their submissive is paramount!

With that all said, my stories are NOT “Fifty-Shades of Grey.” No one will be saved from the BDSM life. The men will all have their balls firmly attached by the end—and not in the woman’s jewelry box. 

They are written to show the reality of what an actual (I won’t say 'twue.' Lifestylers will understand this) Master/slave relationship can look like. 

To some, it will be beautiful. To others, it may seem uncomfortable and yet…intriguing. Others may find they like their bread buttered differently—and that’s perfectly fine.

I’ve mentioned before, I paint when I write—choosing the colors that make up the scenes in my mind. I’ve also recently been told that my writing is lyrical—like a song without music (I enjoyed this one of course!) Music inspires me and when I paint/write I try to pick familiar hues to describe unfamiliar things. One of those things is my description of subspace in NotEven Death #2-Still Your Master.

•  …like a distant dream. The endorphins bouncing from synapse to synapse diffused her senses—everything was a singular euphoria. She imagined light around her—illuminating—rising in a ball around the cage.

•   Her mind was in a twinkling sea of warm luminosity—thoughts came in quick glints and gleams. Oh how I missed this place…I’m finally home again.

•   She hovered above the scene—flying—in space.

•  Her voice sounded slow—like begging through marshmallow. 

           "Come baby.” His voice managed to slice through the thick fluff and then she was gone again.

•  With each pulsation the endorphins spread rapidly, like a warm anesthesia overcoming her with peace.

•   In a blissful sphere, floating safely—she welcomed it all.

These are some of my descriptions for subspace. Whether it be a runner’s high—a really drunken night—being put under anesthesia or the heavenly intensity of a great orgasm, most of us have experienced something comparable and can relate to at least one of the descriptors (or would want to.)

When it’s something shared with a trusted partner it becomes all the more beautiful.

Reaching subspace takes skill on the part of the dominant partner. It would be foolish to ride on the back of someone’s motorcycle if they’d never ridden before and the same goes with subspace. If you’re starting new with your partner and are novices it may take time to reach space and to learn how to play safely (but there are many local communities with work-shops for this purpose.)

Subspace can also have its drawbacks and aftercare is important. Proper hydration, replenishing carbs and some TLC are part of this. Some (not all) may experience "sub-drop" or "dom-drop" in the days that follow such a high/expenditure of energy (I may touch on all three topics in depth at some point later.)

Another lingering effect—my personal favorite—is what I’ve always termed “slave space.” This, to me, is much better than the high. This is one point where I prefer the hang-over effect to the high itself.

Slave-space to me is a centering experience. Resistance falls away—light bulb moments about your service may abound—it’s like walking on fluffy clouds, the warm coziness of Christmas in your heart and mind (without the big bills!) This mind/heart set is what enables my characters to feel the freedom to obey and experience life to the fullest.

In conclusion:

My goal when I write  is to show the transformation of the heroine—through love and submission to the hero, but also to her own true nature.

To give a glimpse of things unfamiliar in a way that’s understandable for newbies.

And for those in the lifestyle to have “Ooooo I remember that!” moments.

More on the topic of consent later (you can see it in this linked blog post to some extent.) I do make it crystal clear that my characters are open to each and every thing they engage in—they want it, crave it and would rather crawl into the nearest cave without it!

~B.B.

Vocabulary list to follow. I'm also working on some stuff for book club discussions and will add them when the series is complete.

Domestic Discipline Life-Interview

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Treat Him Like A Man or Expect A Boy

I posted a tweet of a thought I've had so many times--a thought that really came to roost on Thanksgiving while enjoying time with some vanilla friends. Funny what you see and hear while quietly observing.

My tweet was this

• If women don't want their men to act like boys--they should reconsider treating them like children. Blog post to follow.

I wanted to expound--but there were turkeys to stuff and the aromas swirling around made it impossible to think too far beyond that tweet.  So with the taste of cranberry and stuffing waning in my mind I decided to talk about this.

As I sat observing I noticed the vanilla women, wearing the pants around the house, treating the men in attendance like boys. I notice it--and bristle every time--when I see it run rampant in the media.

THIS commercial always made me sad or nauseous--or a combination platter of sorrowful sickness--whenever I watched it. I get the same queasy feeling when I watch the counterpart with Jake (although I do laugh at that one because it shows how delusional she is!)





Before I continue, I understand that some relationships work this way and are fulfilling to the participants--this is not aimed at those people.

So, as I watched my vanilla girl friends smack their husband/boyfriend's hands if they touched anything in the kitchen--followed by a verbal scolding (in case they didn't get the point beforehand--I mean--prior to smackhand.) I listened to them, as I have many times, playing mother to their grown men--insignificant offspring (significant others.)

I've also been present when these same Mommy types swoon over alpha males; complain that their men are like children and they wish they'd man up. I listen to them give orders to the men before they go out--as if they might just forget to get out of the rain without their reminders. (Sometimes I swear it's a wonder they can even tie their own shoe laces.)

I know the men grumble about this when they are together--I've been told--because my Sir trusts me and doesn't need to hide anything from me--after all, I step back and allow him to be the man he is.

Some men are perpetual children and will never grow up. Some need a mother sort or they might not live through a day without maiming themselves (I know those types too!) They sit--game controller in hand--the world could fall in around them and they wouldn't have the sense to get up and move off the couch. Sometimes this can fill the need in both partners--and more power to you.

I see the looks of resentment on both sides of the other equation. I hear my girlfriends giving their husbands money--a look of superiority and disgust on their faces. I also notice the look of resignation and embarrassment on the men as they have to ask permission to buy things with money they helped bring to the table.

What baffles me is how the women could even wonder for a second, "Why can't he just man up?" Ummm maybe because you're so busy controlling everything the poor guy doesn't have the opportunity?

They watch my relationship with my Sir and think he is Super Mr. Alpha Dude. "You never have to tell him what to do or not to do. What's your secret?" They ask with envious bewilderment. A few think something is just different.

He is--we are--I am.

He had a relationship prior to ours with one of the Mother Hens and eventually he realized he'd never rise to the occasion if she kept him pushed down--under thumb--tied to her. This was a sweet heart from high school--their roles set when still not fully developed on any level.

Back in the old days the roles were pretty clear--almost cookie cutter. Personally, I prefer that sort of old fashioned--the man is the man of the house--type of dynamic. I know that isn't right for everyone and I'm grateful life isn't one size fits all.

As much as I love cookies--and baking--a couple's relationship style shouldn't be dictated by society or media. Then, media was mostly on black and white television and societal norms were upheld in churches, soda shops and everywhere you looked. There seemed to be but one way--and yet--human nature says variety was desired even if society preached "this is the way things are done."

Society and media have been stirred together into "full baked, half-baked and super duper deluxe" social media outlets. People have all the colors and styles in the cookie store to choose from and yet....There is still that over occurring theme in the original--old school--media outlets. The theme of the boyish (irresponsible, bumbling, goofy and inept) husband with his mothering (mouth wiping, money holding, too responsible for the room) spouse keeping him in a Peter Pan/Toys-R-Us state of being. Meanwhile, she's masturbating--dreaming--of a sexy, dominant alpha man to "man her up" in ways Peter's toy just can't. My friends do their best Elsa impersonations when they sense the men are even thinking of approaching their icy exteriors. They opt instead to enjoy the good vibrations thinking of the men who would make them feel like women. The chasm between them widens--their relationships growing more like parent/offspring as the months and years roll by.

I've almost dared one of them to try a different approach and yet she can't look at him "that way"...and so it goes.

I hope she'll read this post and consider--if you want to feel like a woman--with a man--stop treating him like a boy. He may just surprise you!

I sit here--looking at my Sir--and smile. I feel every bit the woman and I know he feels like the man he is. Sometimes he makes me feel like a protected little girl--like a loving Daddy--the difference? Neither of us complains! ~B.B.

Safe-Words and Some Other Alphabet Soup

After reading some posts on an author message board I thought it might be a good idea to expound on my thoughts regarding safe-words and consent within my work. I'll begin with the often discussed, convoluted, misinterpreted and overused concept of the safe-word.


The BDSM Lifestyle is not a one-size-fits all lifestyle. Terms and protocols within the lifestyle vary from couple to couple (or person to person for those in the seeking stage) and what a term means to one person may mean something entirely different to someone else.

Sort of like the words "love" or “romance”—What I mean when I say these words could be on the opposite end of the spectrum from what you, he or they mean.

~SAFETY POLICE~

I'll begin with safe-words—super pet peeve of mine—since there seems to be the occasional (too often) misunderstanding when it comes to their use. My favorite misconstrued concept is: Because of safe-words the submissive/slave is really the one  in control.

As a submissive or slave do you want to really be the one in control? Do you want to just manipulate things and make the dominant your puppet? Then maybe you're kinky, but you aren't submissive. It's fine to be kinky, there's no shame in it—but call it what it is. Be honest with yourself so you can be honest with the one (s) you are involved with.


The purpose safe-words serve is as an alternate form of communication. The most common words used are Red-Yellow-Green (their meaning is obvious) and are not words that would come up in scene unless to serve their purpose. I've read of some who have very specific words (like a maiden name for instance.) 

But what are they? What aren't they?

~What Safe-Words Are~
They are a signal to the dominant that the play is maybe nearing a point that is close to the non-dominant partner's threshold for pain or suddenly past that threshold (this could be psychological/physical/sexual/emotional.) This is where the dominant is supposed to STOP and ASSESS the situation. 

In the case of a submissive (in my definition one who consents per activity) the submissive could decide if they wanted, were able, to continue with the activity at hand and their partner should comply with these wishes.


If this is a situation with a slave (in my definition, one who consents one time only and is owned, property or similar) the Master would/should stop to assess things,just as the dominant should. The difference comes with the decision of continuing or not. The Master, has the right (within the context of their dynamic) to continue if there is NO HARM being done. If the slave is merely uncomfortable or in pain, the Master can opt to continue—no harm, no foul. If the Master enjoys inflicting intense pain and relishes the sight of his slave in tears, and KNOWS that she/he is not being harmed, he may continue if it pleases him.

Safe-words can be useful at times, but what about when the endorphin rush, or sub-space is so deep the submissive/slave cannot communicate verbally? This can and does happen.

In these situations a safe-word/sign (non-verbal cue) can be useless. This is where trust and knowledge of the slave/submissive's capability is paramount. If the slave is transparent (100% open to the Master) the Master will be able to judge the situation. If the slave had a hard day, is ill, has emotional triggers etc. and communicates these things, he/she is giving the Master what he needs to TRUST the slave and in turn, the slave can trust the Master to do what is most beneficial. 

In this way, the control remains in the dominant partner's hands. If things cease, it is the Master's choice and not because the slave told him to stop. Over time, this will build more trust (and if done wrong, can destroy trust!) It's important to consider who one chooses to submit to, and to be assured that trust is warranted to begin with. 

Safe-words are a necessity if you are Topping/bottoming (more casual play) since you may not know your partner as well. In these situations (I'm speaking of play parties/clubs) references about someone's history and standing within the community can go a long way.

In the smallest sense, they can be something in a scenario when the non-dominant partner is struggling and wants to beg, "Stop-Don't" the dominant will know that it's part of the play and won't stop on a dime. 

~What Are Safe-words NOT?~
Safe-words are NOT a way for the submissive/slave type to manipulate the dominant. Choose to control or choose to submit-be honest!

Safe-words are NOT to stop something simply because it isn't enjoyable to the submissive/slave 
*Unless this is something discussed between the submissive/Dominant while entering into the arrangement (usually bedroom submission only.)

Safe-words are NOT a replacement for actually communicating. Sometimes saying, "Master, I can't take it." can work just as well.

Safe-words are NOT shameful to use, but should be used sparingly (don't become the Slave/Sub-Who-Cried-Wolf.) Use them when necessary (to communicate actual distress.)The dominant/Master should trust your communication is sincere and valid.

Safe-words are NOT used by everyone or NECESSARY. 
*People seem to know about SSC (Safe-Sane-Consensual) but there is also RACK (Risk-Aware-Consensual-Kink). There are couples who have such a tight relationship that the protocol of using some random word is just not needed.

I will mostly be writing about Masters/slaves, although there are some of the submissive/Dominant type that will appear (See references to Derrick and Lucy in my first novella.) Most of my relationships will not use safe-words (or will ultimately reach the state where they're unneeded.)

If one of my characters is a slave, consent for everything will be automatic after the initial consent is given.There will be the option to disobey, followed by the Master's option to release the slave from the relationship for disobedience.

But, I'll save CONSENT for another post.

Quick note: Not all submissives are slaves; not all slaves are even submissive (but most times.) Dominants are not necessarily Masters but most Masters are dominant. (An interesting aside--not all Master/Dominants are sadists, some are even masochists AND submissive is not synonomous with masochist.)

~B.B.